Friday, April 2, 2010

Safe Zones

I am going to talk about something you'd rather not know but need to hear.

If you have not reached that state yet, and are becoming a woman, at some point your body shape will be more feminine, your hair done well, your makeup pretty flawless and your clothing flattering. Let's face it, you might even be relatively attractive; when means you are going to attract.

Some of the first guys who will take notice are not going to have your feelings in mind as they behave tenderly toward you, fueling your need to be recognized as a woman. They will be more concerned about using you physically as a woman, than appealing to your emotional needs.

They will at first be helpful and seem kind, giving you what you want. They'll physically attach themselves to you, and attempt to lure you into a secluded spot where they will attempt to seduce you through kissing and feeling up. When you try to resist, hinting that the equipment is not what is expected, they'll surprise you with understanding. Don't mistake this for caring, because if you do, half your mind and body that enjoys his touch will fight the rational part that tells you this is too soon, and he only wants to get his rocks off.

What you consider attractive, he considers vulnerable. Yes, girls, he's a predator. He'll attempt to separate you from the herd, from your purse, from all forms of contact, so he can take you someplace (even if it's in your own home) and insistently press his desires on you. You say "No" a hundred times, tell him you don't want to, and are forced to his bidding, and he'll try to play emotional games and try to convince you that you did all this willingly, just to get you to go farther. He'll insist he's your man, and you'll be trying to figure out how to get away or get rid of him, and he'll make veiled references to what will happen if you refuse.

You might come up with an act and a lie that he believes, like your man is waiting for you at home, monitors your phone calls, you forgot your purse and your phone number, because he is looking for a way to control you afterwards. He might even "promise" to meet his objective the next time he sees you.

As you are walking away, you dig out the cell phone that you told him you didn't have, open the flip and dial 911, ready to hit send if he approaches you again. You're lucky this time, as he stops on his approach when you tell him to stay where he's at, and you go home with the smell of bile on your breath by how much he turned your stomach.

This is not the kind of man that you want to build a relationship with. Too many relationships that are built on sex first are power relations of abuse. You never want to establish this precedent. You want someone who cares about you, not how sexy you are, and pressing for sex on a first meeting pretty much rules them out. When you tell them you don't feel safe and comfortable, they promise to take you someplace else.They really don't understand. Trust me, this even happens to 70 year-old women. But the right guys will understand. They're just typically shyer and take their time, and don't press you for sex when you first meet or when you are not comfortable.

So the question is how to stay around the nice guys and not get cut from the herd. The main trick is to establish safe zones. Safe zones are any place out in the open that you are familiar with and away from dark corners, staying preferably where people you know can see you. Never, ever, follow a stranger out of a safe zone.

For instance, if you are in a dance club, the safe zone is usually the dance floor and table area. If he's grabbed your hand for a dance, and suddenly wants to leave the safe zone to go look for the D.J., don't let him take you with him. Stop, drop his hand if you can, and dig your feet in if you can't. Calmly tell him you'd prefer to wait wear you are until he gets back. The gentleman will respect your request, while the predator might. If he doesn't, make a scene and keep making a scene until you are free of him. You'll be glad you did.

Hugs and God Bless,

1 comment:

  1. That must've been an ugly night, Sophie. I'm glad you got away alright. Stepping out into the world as a woman has a very different set of rules and concerns. Scary stuff...

    How did this not get any comments?!