Preparing to Resonate

All of the examples above should be rated 4 or 5 [significantly or totally afraid of facing conflict]. In the first example, Jason had taken no steps to deal with the situation. In example #2, Mary put up some very mild passive resistance at first, but eventually allowed the person calling to avoid taking any responsibility. She actually gave Sue permission to back out of her responsibility, despite her criticism when talking to her husband after the call. In example #3, Jan showed no ability to deal with the conflict. She merely vented on David, made hurtful accusations, and then removed herself from the experience. David initially confronted her behavior in the group (which may have been a poor choice given her sensitivities), but apologized when he felt like he was the one who was wronged.

- Tim Ursiny, The Coward's Guide to Conflict

The good news is that I have a private bathroom with a lock and it's closer that the other bathrooms. The bad news is that I have to go outside, ride an elevator to the cold basement, before reaching the bathroom right outside the training room.

It's not what the Fort Knox Legal department wanted. They returned their decision today to my supervisor that I should use the bathroom corresponding to my "genetic sex," which would be even more disruptive than using the bathroom matching my gender identity. When my supervisor told me that, it wasn't long before I took a ride to the basement bathroom to cry.

It's a good thing my supervisor made sure I had access to that, because I even told him there's no way I could do what they were suggesting. It goes against corporate guidelines as well, as the guidelines state that I should use the bathroom corresponding to my gender identity and if I was uncomfortable to provide a safe lockable room.

As I sat there, I thought maybe I should just do exactly as the Army wanted. It wouldn't take them long before the disruption it caused would force them to rethink the issue. But I wouldn't want the company to risk losing the contract over it, and I would obviously be let go before they let that happen. No, I would just have to ride it out. My contract is up at the end of September. I suggested to my supervisor a little bit later that maybe I need to work for a different client.

A recruiter called me today looking for strong Java programmers for a direct hire in Louisville. When I told her I couldn't just jump jobs right now and I was under contract til the end of September, she promised to call me back then.

Tomorrow--the last day of work in male clothing--the last day of any form of male gender expression ends at 4 PM. At that time I will head to my car, grab my blouse, skirt and makeup and change in my unisex basement bathroom. Then I will head over to an Italian restaurant on the base and host a pre-greet for anyone to get to know me as I will be presenting on Monday just a little early.

There's enough happening this weekend to keep my mind occupied: pampering for my first day of work as female, a Derby party at Jim's house, and a support group meeting in Lexington Saturday night.

Soon the first days will be behind me. It is only in male mode that I have ever regretted the moments of being female. In female mode, everything seems so natural that I don't want to leave it, having residual moments resonating into my male day. In female mode, I am always more comfortable because there is so much more "me" there, so much so that I see no reason to not do whatever I can to be me.

I am looking forward to the non-ending resonation to propel me even further into myself.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie