Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Shyness

I waited for 4 hours at the bar, because someone in the show mistakenly told me the show would start at 7 PM and was the 3rd person to encourage me to be there. I had a seat at 9, but was kicked out so the group could rehearse.

Meanwhile, the bar packed until 11 PM when they finally let us back. Some wonderful ladies crammed tables together and had about 6 seats they said were reserved.

Unfortunately, I've developed this sense of shyness. And when I saw no empty tables and no one that I knew well, I waited at the corner of the door. I just can't force myself into other people's spaces unless they invite me in, and as I waited I started feeling like I didn't belong.

My heart was bursting. I finished my beer, and before the tears could hit, I tossed the bottle in the trashcan where it clanked loudly, and proceeded to the hallway door, where someone I knew in the show and someone else stood blocking the hall. I excused myself by him while he "accidentally" brushed my ass with his hand (which would have been nice), and made it out the front door.

Fortunately, I made to the car before the tears started rolling. I cry when I'm angry. I always have. And now I have this weird feeling that comes over me when I know the tears are coming. And right now, I just can't describe it, except to say its like a sense of flooding and tenseness at the same time.

I need to be less sensitive. I need to be more assertive. But I've always been this way, and I'm not certain I can change.

Hugs and God Bless,

1 comment:

  1. I normally am assertive in situations like that. But, sometimes, like you, for no particular reason I can understand I sometimes know in similar social situations that I'm going to cry too, and also get the hell out of there before I do.