Sunday, February 27, 2011

Seeing Myself as a Pseudo-Hermaphrodite

I trust my writing most, and others seem to trust it most when I sound like a person from Indianapolis, which I am.
- Kurt Vonnegut

As I stared at the print before me, I couldn't believe my eyes, but knew what the sexologist was telling me is most likely what is going on down there. In the picture before me, was a hermaphroditic condition in which a vagina was present below the penis, the testes high in the sacs on either side. The only potential difference between what I might have and the picture in front of me had, the doctor explained, is that in my case the cloacal line closed.

Their was no doubt in the doctor's opinion that I am suffering from an intersex condition, especially given the symptoms and medical history that I gave him, including my friend's description of what she felt down there.

I've been doing a little more exploration. I found that the muscle, or whatever it is, can be relaxed; and when it is, I can feel two fleshy concentric circles just inside the opening, and a little hard nub about the size of the head of a hat pin, which appears and then seems to slip away at the upper part of the orifice, going deeper inside, out of reach. I found I was able to stimulate myself to an explosive vaginal-like orgasm, rocketing my hips off the sofa, just by massaging the outer rings.

When I directed my friend's finger down there, just to have a second opinion, she described what she felt as some kind of rudimentary vagina; and that's what she told the sexologist.

At one point, I saw a picture of the concentric rings I had felt and pointed them out to the doctor as he was showing me conditions on hermaphroditism. I even saw a picture which could have been my father. He immediately noted the genetic link, and explaining that there are many things that could happen that could result in the cryptorchidism I shared with my father, he stopped on one particular page. It was the picture in which the fully formed vagina lay right under the penis. And he explained about the cloacal line.

He spoke the silent consensus that my friend and I shared: that I needed to find out what I already have before I walk into the Sexual Reassignment Surgeon's Office in Thailand. I need to find out what is left to be done before the SRS surgeon potentially blindly creates a second vagina parallel to the first. He showed me sonograms that have been taken of the vagina to show me it can be done and gave me the number of a urologist who should be able to help me get an accurate picture of what I have. With that documentation, I can lay it on the SRS surgeon's desk, and unlike my hematologist, who tried to tell me my menstrual cramps were due to a deteriorating spinal column, he will finally believe what I have to say and reuse what's already there.

Meanwhile, I have learned to access the pleasure from what has been giving me pain 4 days after every biweekly estrogen shot.

Hugs and God Bless,

No comments:

Post a Comment