Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Agender to Woman

I am sure that the guidelines of the intersex society will probably include getting a lower abdominal scan. Plus, after consultation, I will probably be referred to someone who can better diagnose whatever the results are that come back. It is very important to make sure that I am not overlooking something more chronic by dismissing it as endometrial tissue.

Whatever this is, in conjunction with the hormones, it has made me feel a sense of womanhood at a deeply physical level. Memories. Would you believe I have recalled that I used to masturbate through the light cramping before, not really knowing what it was, but using the only therapy I could think of? And it worked. The sensation would ebb off, at least enough to let me sleep. And then I would put out of my mind until it happened again.

Then enter estrogen, and in the right delivery method and dose, that annoying sensation increased in it's sharpness and duration, and I couldn't help but track its frequency. (Chuckling)

I was androgynous in the sense I was pretty much agender for practically all my life. Besides being hyper-emotional, I was also very much of a square peg. I was jealous of both boys and girls in some respects. I became a tomboy with a curiosity to explore the feminine, finding same sex group activities and expectations more than I could bear. I could neither maintain masculinity or femininity for very long. But I always felt I had a choice and would figure it out someday. My slowly developing body helped me push off that ultimate decision, while I played with light feminization, wanting to know what it would be like to be a woman. From a teenager on, until the military, I would splash some feminine expression within my male wardrobe, via more feminine ties, colors of attire, necklaces. I lived in a kind of Yin/Yang balance of the feminine and masculine, waiting for that moment when I would finally know what it was.

Then entering my late 30s, I looked in the mirror, saw the masculine build of my father and knew my days of physical androgynity had come to an end, and I did not feel like my father who I saw in the mirror. I knew deep in my psyche it wasn't me. I strived, struggled for a way to return to at least the middle world. And so I took longer when I finally found the path. The first part of my exploration under counseling was identifying the predominant gender. After a while I realized that all the joy of living, love of life was associated with feeling feminine. My decision centered around being a loving and happy person. So I gave the hormones a try, and my brain responded positively, soaking up the good feelings, while my male which hadn't thrived for 42 years, fell to backstage.

Now this awareness of something that to my mind is female between my legs, that ties to an ever-present cycle has pulled my mind completely into the feminine, and I am content. I am more comfortable now in either slacks or skirt, knowing, intensely and deeply knowing, that while the cramps suck, I am woman.

Last night, in belly dancing class, we reviewed the Egyptian and moved on to undulations. Doing chest lifts, drops and circles really targets the abdominals, using muscles that I didn't know existed. And learning how to move my breasts around with targeted muscle movement was an interesting education in itself. Adding in the new exercises to my morning practice, I have already hit 21 minutes of cardio for the day, and I'll get another 30, hauling laundry back and forth.

I think I stumbled upon the perfect exercise to prep for SRS and the recovery afterward. Belly dancing has been used as a pre- and post-natal exercise to strengthen the muscles involved in the birth process, targeting abdominals, back muscles and thighs.

I have a dental appointment at 1 today with the hygienist for a cleaning and to x-ray  the remainder of my teeth. If I have some time, after I return to work, I'll try to get my brows and hair done for The Vagina Monologues. Opening day is the 11th at 7 PM, at the Utah Museum of Fine Arts. The doors lock at 6:45.

Hugs and God Bless,

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