You're not crazy. Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". And since you are exploring your feelings, and altering your behavior to match what you feel inside shows that you are definitely not repeating behavior, that you are on the verge of breaking out of the old patterns completely.
I understand the anxiety. The idea of seeing a counselor can make it seem official and that you would have no choice but to transition. Counselors can't peek into your head. Nor do they force you to transition. They can only lay the alternatives you have available based on the information that you give them. Like a medical doctor, the best prognosis is done only with the most complete and correct information. They are resources with access to other resources to help you plan your transition, and if you continue to experiment with hormones on your own, you are liable to feel some really uncomfortable emotions with no one there to help you navigate the waters. Unchecked, the potential emotional instability and any side effects you had from repressing yourself has the potential of disrupting relationships (which does include your work relationships), kind of like a young teenage girl has to learn how to keep her emotions under control. I'm pretty confident that you don't want to be compared to a teenager run amuck. I would ask around the MtFs to find a counselor that they feel comfortable using. I, and a couple others, see the same counselor in Louisville. I am in the final stages of my transition counseling as she prepares my letter for surgery for me, and I did find her useful for dealing with sexual trauma and family issues.
We are here for you. I am here for you. But I'm not a medical doctor, and I can't take hormone level and liver checks to see if the hormone level you are taking is safe and appropriate. If you are experimenting with hormones and you haven't clued a medical doctor in yet, please do so. Sooner or later, you won't be able to deny the effects, but if something happens to you and the doctor doesn't know you're on hormones, would you risk an incorrect diagnosis because they don't have all the facts?
To be honest, I resisted the deep emotional need to transition. I tried to reject it. I tried to compromise with it. But each compromise only reduced my anxiety to move further on. Meanwhile, I incorrectly blamed myself, my wife and my children for holding me back, trapping me in a man's world that I felt daily more uncomfortable with. I tried several times to save them the pain of a transition by killing myself. It wasn't until I moved to Louisville that I no longer acted on those urges (other than occasionally taking curves as fast as I could).
This has not been easy for me. I lied to myself that I had complete control, that I had a choice, that I could stop whenever I wanted. It took me a year to start hormones. But transitioning itself became an addiction, even though the end result of transitioning on the job scared me to death. But I am changed in many more ways now. The change runs deep. Most significantly, who you are emotionally is radically altered, but done carefully, is more integral. There are still aspects of the She that begin to bubble into words and I can bring them to my lips right before they burst, leaving the critical feeling missing. I catch myself saying, "I feel so..." and then it's gone, or "I need..." I remember one moment when the words, "I am so..." finally ended with "ready."
Transitioning is my lot in life. It is my destiny. It is a spiritual path I was put upon the day I was born. I am finally realizing "the person I was meant to be." But I had to pay the price. I am divorcing the only person who has ever loved me enough to marry me, and I haven't seen my children since December, when I was sick from driving all night to see them. And I am romantically alone, at 45 next week, realizing that there may never be another. And at a time when I have been sensually awakened by the hormones.
Your doing great just being yourself! Why would you want to hide yourself from people that can help you?
Hugs and God Bless,