Tuesday, July 6, 2010


You're not crazy. Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". And since you are exploring your feelings, and altering your behavior to match what you feel inside shows that you are definitely not repeating behavior, that you are on the verge of breaking out of the old patterns completely.

I understand the anxiety. The idea of seeing a counselor can make it seem official and that you would have no choice but to transition. Counselors can't peek into your head. Nor do they force you to transition. They can only lay the alternatives you have available based on the information that you give them. Like a medical doctor, the best prognosis is done only with the most complete and correct information. They are resources with access to other resources to help you plan your transition, and if you continue to experiment with hormones on your own, you are liable to feel some really uncomfortable emotions with no one there to help you navigate the waters. Unchecked, the potential emotional instability and any side effects you had from repressing yourself has the potential of disrupting relationships (which does include your work relationships), kind of like a young teenage girl has to learn how to keep her emotions under control. I'm pretty confident that you don't want to be compared to a teenager run amuck. I would ask around the MtFs to find a counselor that they feel comfortable using. I, and a couple others, see the same counselor in Louisville. I am in the final stages of my transition counseling as she prepares my letter for surgery for me, and I did find her useful for dealing with sexual trauma and family issues.

We are here for you. I am here for you. But I'm not a medical doctor, and I can't take hormone level and liver checks to see if the hormone level you are taking is safe and appropriate. If you are experimenting with hormones and you haven't clued a medical doctor in yet, please do so. Sooner or later, you won't be able to deny the effects, but if something happens to you and the doctor doesn't know you're on hormones, would you risk an incorrect diagnosis because they don't have all the facts?

To be honest, I resisted the deep emotional need to transition. I tried to reject it. I tried to compromise with it. But each compromise only reduced my anxiety to move further on. Meanwhile, I incorrectly blamed myself, my wife and my children for holding me back, trapping me in a man's world that I felt daily more uncomfortable with. I tried several times to save them the pain of a transition by killing myself. It wasn't until I moved to Louisville that I no longer acted on those urges (other than occasionally taking curves as fast as I could).

This has not been easy for me. I lied to myself that I had complete control, that I had a choice, that I could stop whenever I wanted. It took me a year to start hormones. But transitioning itself became an addiction, even though the end result of transitioning on the job scared me to death. But I am changed in many more ways now. The change runs deep. Most significantly, who you are emotionally is radically altered, but done carefully, is more integral. There are still aspects of the She that begin to bubble into words and I can bring them to my lips right before they burst, leaving the critical feeling missing. I catch myself saying, "I feel so..." and then it's gone, or "I need..." I remember one moment when the words, "I am so..." finally ended with "ready."

Transitioning is my lot in life. It is my destiny. It is a spiritual path I was put upon the day I was born. I am finally realizing "the person I was meant to be." But I had to pay the price. I am divorcing the only person who has ever loved me enough to marry me, and I haven't seen my children since December, when I was sick from driving all night to see them. And I am romantically alone, at 45 next week, realizing that there may never be another. And at a time when I have been sensually awakened by the hormones.

Your doing great just being yourself! Why would you want to hide yourself from people that can help you?

Hugs and God Bless,



  1. You are exactly right, if you people out in trans-land are sneaking hormones from the internet without have direct medical supervision, you are running the high risk of having something go wrong with your heart, or liver and other hormone systems. Please let your doctor know that you are taking HRT drugs.

    I neglected my need to transition to protect my family, to make sure that my ex could function on her own if I were to leave. As a result, my going out dressed without discussing my gender dysphoria with my children was a huge mistake as my children withdrew from me and cut all communications leaving me alone for the really first time in my life. I was never the social butterfly as a man that I am now as Sarah. So developing close friendships and tie with people were more important to me during the first year of my divorce. I wondered and dreamed if there was someone out there is my world who would accept someone like me. Someone who was once a man but now lives as a woman.

    Sophie, don't shut yourself down to finding someone else that will love you. Be true and open and loving and giving expect nothing in return and when someone opens the door of your heart run to them and be joyously happy. I know a lot of trans people that found that special someone; so don't shut that door just yet.


  2. Albert Einstein was very correct in that statement, and I fully agree that anyone considering going through the transition seek a counselor experienced in handling the transition. This is not because I feel that the transition is wrong (my gods, that would make me a hypocrite!), but because the counselor can help the person in transition work through various issues that come up including coping with how others react. It is my opinion that they are there for a support network first and wealth of information and resources second. They are not "gatekeepers" in my opinion, they are there to help to make sure that the "patient" makes an informed decision and to help smooth out the bumps along the road.

    As to self medicating, it should never be done. Even using the same information previously obtained by a doctor, it should not be done. The human body is a very delicate balance of hormones and chemicals which is why HRT is generally done through gradual increased doses. If the body is shocked with any hormone (or chemical, for that matter), it can have very negative reactions. A doctor is trained on what to look for to find these negative reactions well before they cause significant (and sometimes permanent) problems for the patient.

  3. Wow! Sophie Jean!
    I have to say that you are very talented at relaying your thoughts into words that really hits home to everyone. I envy you for that.
    And I totally agree. This is an addiction. It's one that never ever goes away no matter how hard one might try. It's an addiction that there is no rehab center for. It's an addiction that many, many people have and yet cannot or will not admit to it for fear of any reprocussion that may occur.
    It's an addiction, like any other, that can cause death.

    I know that there is more willingness to help us from the medical professionals now, than ever before. However slow it's spreads. For many whom do not have the luxury of living in or near a community that has the resourcesor acceptance simply cannot get the help that is needed. And therefore, must wait in agony until they are able to face their personal demon. And as you suggested, by self medication. It's getting to be more common for many whom start transitioning, as you know. Such as it is.

    Once again, I love the way you write!!