Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Journey

Here is another question by another friend who is on her journey
 ...I am surprised that you weren’t apparently certain that you wanted to take all the steps to achieve GRS?
What or when or even why did you have doubts along the way?
This is not something you can ‘try’ and see if it’s right for you.

Actually, it is something that can be tried. There are a number of people that have decided after a few steps that this was not something for them. The journey is one of self-exploration. There are stopping points along the way, and different people are able to cope with different levels of transition.

Earlier in life, I didn't know how to actually become a woman. It's completely irrational, but I thought that if God saw how much I didn't want my penis, he would make it go back in. I guess you could say I'm a person of deep faith.

It seemed to me in my late 20s that the only way I would be able to become a woman was through the pornography industry. I tried desperately to find the address of producers of magazines and videos starring what were called shemales, because I would do anything to be a woman. I even called the sex hotlines trying to talk to them. Little did I know that counseling was the path to go and it was nearby.

I started settling for being a woman in mind only and expressing myself at night only in my apartment in which I was supposed to be assigned a roommate, but got fortunate when he took inheritance money and left the studio to myself. I had already met the person who was to be my wife at that point.

I was married for 4 years and had a three year old daughter when I finally went to a psychologist for help. When I took the opportunity to tell my wife about crossdressing in the woods as a teen after my first visit, it didn't go as planned, but she supported me as a crossdresser. After my psychologist canceled our 3rd meeting due to scheduling problems, I backed away. I felt hamstrung at being unable to tell my wife the rest of my feelings. Like many women, I desperately wanted to hold onto my family. Meanwhile, I was checking out feminization hypnosis and online feminization instructions. I then convinced myself that I had screwed up my own head.

Six years later, my oldest daughter was 9 and my youngest was 3.  I began to act out more on my feelings, following instructions I had read years ago. I didn't trust myself, because I felt it would ruin everything. In my mind, I didn't pass and didn't think I ever would. I thought I would lose my family, my job and be viewed as a freak.

I needed the public crossdressing phase to help me build my confidence and get over this hurdle. I made a deal with my counselor that I would take the journey and stop whenever I felt comfortable. My Dad died at 57 from prostrate cancer and I wasn't even sure I would get to the other end. It was in this way that I just started taking a hike in the direction that felt right. It's like when you set out for a long scary road trip and  suddenly see the destination sign ahead. My thoughts along the way were just on experiencing each moment mile by mile.

It's been a long journey, and I'm thankful I took enough time to develop spiritually along the way.


1 comment:

  1. My journey is going much the same way. Though I fantasized about having a "sex change" at age 11 after hearing about that on TV. (This was like 30 years ago, long before the internet and I already believed I'd turn into a woman.) I turned from that path having convinced myself that I had messed myself up somewhere and then spent the next 25 years trying to straighten out the mess.

    It's only been recently, with more knowledge, support and personal strength that I've set out down the transition path. Like you said, I also am merely walking in that direction - not running. Where I stop I do not know, but I've certainly considered going the whole way. It seems likely to me that I will, since the core of my dysphoria is anatomic. Meanwhile, though I need to adjust to the changes, and the world around me will have to adjust too. No reason to be a bull in a china shop. I'm content to take my time and do things right. This way, hopefully, I'll have no regrets.