Monday, August 23, 2010


S: (v) recover, retrieve, find, regain (get or find back; recover the use of) "She regained control of herself"; "She found her voice and replied quickly"

S: (v) recuperate, recover, convalesce (get over an illness or shock) "The patient is recuperating"

S: (v) recover, go back, recuperate (regain a former condition after a financial loss) "We expect the stocks to recover to $2.90"; "The company managed to recuperate"

S: (v) recover, recoup, recuperate (regain or make up for) "recuperate one's losses"

S: (v) reclaim, recover (reuse (materials from waste products))

S: (v) recover (cover anew) "recover a chair"
-- WordNet Definition of Recovery
Thank you, everyone, for your support. I am finding a surprising amount of it here and with people from my church and Ryan.

When something drastic and terrible happens to us, sometimes and most especially in a blindside moment, when are shaken to our very core. Our vulnerabilities and rage are exposed to the world, and we start hoping and praying for recovery. We want things back the way they were.

Unfortunately, in the strictest sense, recovery is never complete. Something has definitely changed. After Ryan was in a horrible accident, it must have taken her a long time to recover her confidence to drive, and likewise, my own confidence going outdoors at night after the mugging. Many times we don't gain full functionality back, nor can we, because something at a very systematic level has been changed forever. I can, perhaps, find my voice and reply to the moment quickly, but that orginal state, that elusive state is now blocked by the memory of the event , if nothing else.

Getting over the shock is something that I am very much attempting to do; and a big part of that is keeping myself occupied on what I need to do. I am nervous in the evenings now: around men, my apartment, my car. I take my purse inside by itself now first, I try to remember to have the keys out before I unlock the door. If I forget, I take my purse to the hood of the car and face out while digging. I am in a sense of hypervigilance, and in some ways it's a good thing, if I can learn from it and let it go.

Point blank: I'm scared, but I'm dealing with it and moving on.

So I am focusing on not only regaining from my prior financial loss when I was laid off last year, but taking a shot at an opportunity to improve it. To prep for my interview, I had the acrylics redone on my nails, had my hair conditioned and the bangs layered gently around my face, and had wardrobe, hair and makeup coaching from Ryan. In fact, I hit another milestone that I completely forgot about. This was my first cut back into a feminine pattern. The bangs had grown so long that their weight was flattening my hair. With the feathering all around this time, I now have a nice bounce with body. The hairdresser kept the length and we agreed that my hair may now be full and long enough to let it grow out in its natural color. We'll give it a shot at least. The flight to Salt Lake City's on Wednesday after work, and the interview's Thursday.

When I dropped Ryan off last night at the preserve where she lives, it felt so peaceful. The chaos of my week was felt more sublimely and balanced out by the noisy chirp of the crickets and forest creatures under the pale moon and clouds. Peace, at last. When I finally settle in to a permanent home, that's what I want. Something deeply immersed in a natural refuge not too far from an available city.

So, as I go through the process of recovering my exposed emotions, and taking solace in a church member's freely offered shoulder to shed a few irrational tears, I will re-cover myself with love, a renewed sense of my surroundings, both good and bad, and do my best to breathe every moment of life in me.

I have once again been stripped to nothing but raw emotion, and I now have the opportunity to once again choose the layers that will ultimately make up the composite me.

Hugs and God Bless,

1 comment:

  1. My wife, Kay keep warning me to be more vigilant about my surroundings, where my purse is, about safety. Recovery is a process, as is our transition of unlearning and learning something new and different to us.