Friday, March 4, 2011

Need for a New Focus

Something has been troubling me, the closer I get to surgery and especially with my friend Robin quitting her job to find fulfillment. It's been really difficult these last days to identify the "what" that is missing.

I come home, I have no interest in playing games, reading or writing. It seems like my life has suddenly become a nebulous gray cloud and I had lost all interest in it. I come home and I nap until I have someplace to go. I am sure the dreams are significant, but I don't remember them.

It's not my job that is the problem. I am currently doing more and more leading of the team in preparation for a shot at being one the team leads in 6 months.

It's not the surgery either. I'm content and looking forward to certain impediments being cleared up.

My friends are great. I have wonderful relationships with them.

So if it's not my friends, my job or my impending surgery, what is it?

And it finally broke through, what my dreams were trying to tell me I needed. My life has gotten off balance. Like an unbalanced wheel, too much weight has drifted toward one spot, and my direction is wobbling out of control.

I just want to be me, who I am, growing and learning. But the wheel has focused my life on trans issues, trans support groups, trans friends, trans panels, trans activism, trans, trans, trans...stop! Enough! These are all good and great things, but it's too much for me. They are all sucking at my teat, and I have given in...but I am dry. I have failed to leave room for myself among the litter, to balance out who I am...but who am I?

I need something more. I need something not trans to hold on to, to learn, to love, to be. Trans needs to be only a spoke on the wheel, not the hub. I need something more substantial to be the center point. So for now, I will be spending a little time trimming the weight, adding more centering activities, so that I can find a purpose that is not so draining.

Hugs and God Bless,


  1. Exactly! Being the whole much more than one thing. Hope you enjoy finding that balance. :)

    Miss you back here in KY.

    Hugz, Tina

  2. I believe you should do more. I read the joy in your voice when you talk about learning new dance steps, and being at the microphone reading your poems. I hope you find other interest and involvement with other like your church activities.

  3. Oh, another thought. It bothers me as I am working very hard with glbt groups, PFLAG, Integrity, Pride when I see the people who yell the loudest during meetings suddenly disappear when we try to promote the group in public. It seems they do not want to be seen as part of our group; I guess they still fear any public connection will reveal their gayness. I just don't understand!