Monday, February 18, 2013
The Long Letter
It was great to hear from her again. TGSSN (Transcenders Global Social Support Network) is a support community that is truly global and present on FaceBook. It sprang into existence because of a glaring hole in support services. While there are many support groups that are aimed at the Transgender community, they tend to support the needs of the majority of its members who fall under the larger umbrella. A minority of individuals, those who transition from one gender to another, often can't find a listening ear or a mentor for their journey, which extends in time and space from the pre-transition days to the post-transition years. It is a place where people can support themselves by supporting one another, where someone doesn't have to be left alone with destructive emotions and can find a sympathetic air. It is also a place where information related to transitioning can be found. Because of this, the group is open to anyone who is at any stage of a gender transition, pre-, during, and post-; supportive family members; and community support givers. The latter is why I invited her to join.
On Saturday, I got my first standing ovation--at a burlesque show. I was more worried that my voice would give out, because I had vocal chord tuning two weeks previously. I had been going through a process where I was increasingly being mis-gendered over the phone and sometimes double-gendered in public. I heard my voice on a recording, and I couldn't stand it anymore. So I had my vocal chords blistered with a laser on January 31, and over the following 6 weeks, my voice is supposed to tighten up as the scar tissue tightens, to about 1 note higher, which takes me away from the danger zone. The presurgical evaluation revealed a node on each vocal chord, which accounted for my voice suddenly getting tired and dropping. People have noted that my voice definitely sounds more feminine now--when I have it, and when it's been warmed up.
I am really excited and anxious about the position that I was offered at TEA (Transgender Education Advocates) of Utah. They want me to be their first Volunteer Coordinator because of my warm and welcoming personality. I don't know if this is a board position or not; it is certainly not a voting one, and that's okay with me. It's certainly a cause I strongly believe in.
Another contemplation of suicide brought another person into my life, as she also latched onto me and followed me home one night. She had been working on me with a steady interest for over a year. She stayed with me until she had to go back to her trucking school and I see her when she comes through town. She is part of my inner emotional circle, and I am finally accepting the fact that I am polyamorous, that there's no shame in it, and I am learning bit by bit how I need to structure my world. My trucker girlfriend, who was already part of a poly family, joined anothe lover and me as part of a core family for the moment. The other lover has more monogamistic leanings and will probably move on when she finds someone that satisfies that need for her. While Da fulfills my kinky needs, and S fulfills physical companionship needs, L (who I've only dated three times since December), satisfies my emotional bonding needs. L, though, enjoys being single. I love all three. Then in my next circle, are De, A, and J. De's really sweet and supportive, goes to practically all my events, but because I feel she was keeping something secret from a long-term partner, we no longer share "benefits." A is new and I have only been around her three times, but we had an instant connection. I tried to reconnect with her for months after we first met. I think J and I are mostly friends at this point, as I saw her in the arms of another friend at church, and am very happy for her. Then comes the circle of acquaintances, with hints of something more, playfulness and flirtation.
Is this long enough?