Thankfully Letting Go

It's 3:25 PM and I realize that I have just enough time to thank the part that I'm letting go of in 30 minutes.

To My Male Working Facade

I am letting you go.

You have been a valuable asset,

Bringing many things into my life

That I otherwise would not have had.

I know it has been tough.

You have been a consistent defense

Against bullies

And poverty.

You never complained

No matter how tough things got.

But you're tired,

And I'm a big girl now.

I know I can take care of myself

Because you gave me the cool shadow

To grow

Under your outstretched wings

When I was so weak

And afraid.

You taught me strength

And I will take it with me.

I send you off with my gratitude

For all you have done.

Retire in Peace,

I will take the fight from here.

Hugs,

Blessings,

Your Protected Daughter,

Sophie

Preparing to Resonate

All of the examples above should be rated 4 or 5 [significantly or totally afraid of facing conflict]. In the first example, Jason had taken no steps to deal with the situation. In example #2, Mary put up some very mild passive resistance at first, but eventually allowed the person calling to avoid taking any responsibility. She actually gave Sue permission to back out of her responsibility, despite her criticism when talking to her husband after the call. In example #3, Jan showed no ability to deal with the conflict. She merely vented on David, made hurtful accusations, and then removed herself from the experience. David initially confronted her behavior in the group (which may have been a poor choice given her sensitivities), but apologized when he felt like he was the one who was wronged.

- Tim Ursiny, The Coward's Guide to Conflict

The good news is that I have a private bathroom with a lock and it's closer that the other bathrooms. The bad news is that I have to go outside, ride an elevator to the cold basement, before reaching the bathroom right outside the training room.

It's not what the Fort Knox Legal department wanted. They returned their decision today to my supervisor that I should use the bathroom corresponding to my "genetic sex," which would be even more disruptive than using the bathroom matching my gender identity. When my supervisor told me that, it wasn't long before I took a ride to the basement bathroom to cry.

It's a good thing my supervisor made sure I had access to that, because I even told him there's no way I could do what they were suggesting. It goes against corporate guidelines as well, as the guidelines state that I should use the bathroom corresponding to my gender identity and if I was uncomfortable to provide a safe lockable room.

As I sat there, I thought maybe I should just do exactly as the Army wanted. It wouldn't take them long before the disruption it caused would force them to rethink the issue. But I wouldn't want the company to risk losing the contract over it, and I would obviously be let go before they let that happen. No, I would just have to ride it out. My contract is up at the end of September. I suggested to my supervisor a little bit later that maybe I need to work for a different client.

A recruiter called me today looking for strong Java programmers for a direct hire in Louisville. When I told her I couldn't just jump jobs right now and I was under contract til the end of September, she promised to call me back then.

Tomorrow--the last day of work in male clothing--the last day of any form of male gender expression ends at 4 PM. At that time I will head to my car, grab my blouse, skirt and makeup and change in my unisex basement bathroom. Then I will head over to an Italian restaurant on the base and host a pre-greet for anyone to get to know me as I will be presenting on Monday just a little early.

There's enough happening this weekend to keep my mind occupied: pampering for my first day of work as female, a Derby party at Jim's house, and a support group meeting in Lexington Saturday night.

Soon the first days will be behind me. It is only in male mode that I have ever regretted the moments of being female. In female mode, everything seems so natural that I don't want to leave it, having residual moments resonating into my male day. In female mode, I am always more comfortable because there is so much more "me" there, so much so that I see no reason to not do whatever I can to be me.

I am looking forward to the non-ending resonation to propel me even further into myself.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

Freakin' Awesome

I waited at my car yesterday from 3:30 to a little after 4 to meet with Sandra as we arranged. The "Mandatory Meeting" my supervisor had called to announce my transition, how to behave and what to expect had just ended. Sandra gave me so many more details from the meeting than I could possibly remember, and summarized it with, "Overall, I think it went well."

Last night, I made my appearance on stage as Ms. Featherwind at Sub Rosa's Open Mic. I signed up for the fourth slot, and it was almost midnight before I got the microphone. The crowd had thinned somewhat by then, but not quite as bad as last week.

I read a couple of excerpts from my book: "Butterfly Wings" and "Transphobe." At the end of "Wings," I segwayed by telling them, "If you didn't figure it out from my last piece, I'm a transsexual poet." Before I started "Transphobe," I did my reading from "They Beat The Girl Out of My Boy...Or So They Tried," the Calpernia Addams segment. As I was reading, I noticed a couple of people walk out, and inside I was panicking that I was losing them. But the remaining people stayed and a couple, including The Bard in Blue, seemed absolutely rapt as I proceeded into "Life is Poetry" and "Rebirth."

As I was getting off the stage, I apologized for clearing the room, and was told that this is the normal size of the crowd at that time. I guess I suffer from CDD, as Amy put it from our earlier chat: Confidence Deficit Disorder. When I was asked what was significant that week for me, I told them my book was available on Amazon. Someone actually asked me how much it was! Too bad I forgot to mention the title.

Almost right after I was done Ed Black and his girlfriend/wife/lover walked past my table and she said. "That was freakin' awesome!"

The comedian that took the stage next thanked me for the bedtime story, and I told him, "Anytime he needs help getting to sleep."

I am going to order 5 copies of my book and bring them with me to Sub Rosa and they will be gratis (read "free") on a first come, first serve basis.

As I came into work today, I didn't worry so much about the slightly orange lipstick, the leftover eyeliner and lipstick. And I didn't worry about trying to get my hair to stay in a less feminine manner, because yesterday's announcement set me free.

I did worry, anticipating a fishbowl effect, but it's been relatively quiet with no visitors to my cubicle. I asked Sandra and was now able to ask Nikki, who both pull off feminine professional so well, to take a look at my wardrobe Thursday afternoon for my first week's plan.

The invitation to my pre-meet went out to everyone at the meeting yesterday, due to an instinctive sense of political correctness by my friend Mike, and Sandra saved the day by saying that anyone who wanted to come was invited.

So, for lunch, I cornered Anil and Mike into going out to lunch with me, where I asked the manager about the feasibility of my having a special event from 5 to 7 at the bar. He assured me that the crowd is usually light during that time.

Tonight is Chalice Night at the church, and I just got a meeting reminder for something in the next 5 minutes.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

I Have a Date

Monday, May 3rd, 2010 at 7:30 AM. One week from today.

It's the 11th anniversary of my father succumbing to cancer and it's the date I start coming to work female.

At 11:08 AM this morning, I received an email from my supervisor which stated simply:

I'd like to meet with you today. Let me know when you have a few
minutes. Thanks.

Because I believe that face-to-face is better I walked the hallway to his office. Since his office is just a glorified cubicle with not-quite floor-to-ceiling walls and a door, we took the meeting to a nearby conference room.

He asked me about when I believed would be the best time to transition and I told him as soon as possible, but long enough to communicate with everyone and give them a chance to respond. He asked me if the 3rd, next Monday, was too soon. Assuring him it wasn't, we proceeded to go through the material he had gathered to present to my coworkers today and tomorrow, and discussed the bathroom issue. I told him I would conceed to a unisex bathroom for up to a month, because we are on the site of one of the branches of the US military. Afterward, I would expect to use the facility corresponding to my gender identity because anything else would be labeling and discriminatory, and I don't want anyone else to have to go through that.

From the meeting request, it looks like he is going to have one large mandatory meeting at 3:30 to 4 pm this afternoon, which prompted someone to blurt out, "Who's getting fired?" I think it would be best if I am not physically present when the meeting is over.

I'm feeling anxious. But it's not from fear, but instead from excitement. This is the same feeling that almost caused me to pass out at Vagina Monologues and at the probate court requesting my name change. Sandra gave me some herbal supplements to help block the anxiety.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

Caged Lion

"For months after, I was left with the sense of being a caged lion. Roaming back and forth in a very small cage. Restless. In a sense the lion was an energy, or a state of consciousness within me, one I was not familiar with. This lion would roar, and wanted to be set free. And even though my soul was uncaged, I was still contained in a space that was way too small. I hadn't reached the infinite eternal. Something had been set free, but something so much deeper was becoming available. The lion had to be released because I was going to need the energy of that lion; I was going to need that state of consciousness in order to make the next step of the journey. You could say, also, that this lion represented a courage within me. I needed the courage to trust what I knew to be true; I needed that courage in order to continue on."

- Lynn Barron, as quoted by Hilary Hart, "Pulled by Love," The Unknown She

The time to take the next step in transition comes when you have spiritually outgrown your last step, when the lioness inside feels tightly caged and is roaring to be let out, sinews ready to tear apart the cage that keeps her hunched inside, when she knows she more than strong enough to fend for herself.

It is a move toward comfort that pulls us, and we can become raging beasts if we do not get at least a bigger cage. The bars hurt, and where were once able to live our lot, we feel our freedom strangled.

The cage was not meant to hurt us. In fact, it was constructed to keep us safe until we grew, whether someone else built it for us, or we constructed it on our own.

This seems to be the very metaphor I seem to have instinctively followed. Inside my final cage, my spirit bursting to get out, I only wait for my key, the result of a conference call and the resulting direction, and I'll be free!

Dancing was great last night! I got a personal invite to a Derby party at Jim's house, one of many people attending, and I danced for an hour after the lessons were over. I am going to miss lessons next week. The club is having another event that will preclude the lesson.

Tomorrow, my support group is meeting at my hangout. They will gather around the table in billiard room, and I'll stroll over to say "Hi," but I'll also have to go hang out with my other friends who are regulars.

Tonight, I'll just spend at home and see if I can finally finish The Unknown She.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

Two Years on HRT, Three Days Post Announcement

Let's now look at how we can use our entity outside of a container. This is particularly valuable for unit testing...
- Robert Patrick et al., Professional Oracle WebLogic
Server

As I sit here waiting for my project requirements and resources to be ready, I have nothing left to do but go ahead and write a blog entry to help keep me awake. I have already exhausted as much of my conscious brain as I could to a technical manual, before threatening dozing off. I tried following the latest news articles next, and finally went back almost 2 days on my friends blogs. It probably won't take me 45 minutes to finish this entry, but I can see spending that much time editting out all the silly typos.

I've reached two milestones I guess at this point: today is my 2nd year anniversary on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) and the 3rd day into my work transition between the announcement and the final onset of RLT (the real life test).

I'll tackle the latter first: no news, all's quiet on the western front. I'm feeling calm and ready to trust whatever plan finally emerges. Several of my coworkers are also ready and waiting, and Anil asked me when the party is, meaning the Friday after work moment, when I shrug my guy clothes for hopefully the last time, and let my friends get to meet the new me. He already did, though he still plans to be there. I practically begged Sandra to promise to come help me select from my wardrobe work appropriate clothing, and go thrift shopping with me to fill in enough for a week. I just put my "name" on a seating chart. I was about to tell him that he'll have to change it soon. So, in a nutshell: no plan yet.

Two years of hormone therapy has still left me with the large arms. Even when I did lose weight when I got sick, I still bounded back up to somewhere between 194 to 200. The cut of the men's shirts is the only thing that is keeping the male facade. In the last six months, I have pretty much filled out the B-cup bras, my rib cage has shrunk to 40 inches and I can squeeze into a 38-B elastic banded bra as necessary. I lost an inch somewhere. I am now 5'10" tall and my feet have shrunk a half-size. While my girls are now definitely visible under men's golf shirts (they look like fat because the cut is wrong), they are low and tear-dropped shape leaving cleavage pretty elusive. I can sometimes skip a dose of estrogen for a day before I notice the dysphoria seeping back in, sometimes in headaches, dizziness or just plain exhaustion.

And I cycle. The progestin that I'm taking seems to have me cycling about every two weeks instead of once a month, however, complete with a few days of titty cramps and groinal bloating. The chronic loneliness I used to feel has metamorphed into more of an acute longing which I last experienced a few months ago. It's quite possible that the loneliness was a mistranslation of the inherent longing due to the testosterone in my bloodstream. These days, when I curl up with my cuddly bunny, blanket and a book to read, I am more likely to fall asleep before I get farther that 5 pages. And the muscles, particulary in the back and legs tend to recover much more slowly; Thursday dance leads to Saturday pain that finally ebbs on Tuesday. I had a severe pain in my right shin that woke me up and forced me to walk it out before I could go back to sleep.

My voice is naturally softer, partially from practice, and partially from hormones and attitude. I was surprised that my hair has grown faster and longer in the last 9 1/2 months than someone else who has been growing it out for a year.

And I am happy. I am not happy with what's between my legs, but as long as I can ignore it, I...am...happy.

I'm just sleepy, too.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie

Living in a Park

During the four years that she has lived here, the house has attracted more life than one would expect in this seemingly empty landscape. Hornets come from an unknown source and swirl around the bathroom, even though Lynn persistently puts them outside after they collapse on the windowsill, disoriented, she suggests, by the intoxicating energy in the house. Mice scurry around the kitchen until they, too, become suddenly stilled by whatever it is that brings the wasps to rest. Then Lynn wraps the swaying little creatures in a napkin, and places them outside where the air is a bit less inebriating. In this evening, strange noises float through the darkness as parts of the building seem to moan and sway under a great pressure. And an intermittent stream of people come and go from nearby Los Angeles and as far away as the East Coast to sit in meditation with Lynn, sleeping outside the little house on handmade wooden structures, skeletal and exotic, set up amidst the sand and sage of the property.

-- Hilary Hart, "The House in the Desert," "The Unknown She", The Unknown She

On the way home, I noticed it's like I live in a park. As I was pulling around the circle, I saw a squirrel skipping, about to cross the road in front of me, and when I willed it to stop, it did. As I drove by and looked in the rearview mirror, it held it's place until right after I thought, It's okay. You can cross now. And cautiously at first, it crossed.

Watching the birds flit across the road, I noticed a couple of ducks by the park bench. I stopped the car, and stepped out to take a photo. Getting back in my car and driving the remaining distance, I admired the robins and the 50-foot trees that nestled my apartment.

Two days after my supervisor was given the heads up from Human Resources regarding my transition, I saw him in the hallway. As we exchanged "Good Morning's," he directed his grin at our feet. Later in the afternoon, he made sure to introduce me to his boss. It was so hard during the introductions to not introduce myself as Sophie.

During lunch, I finally was able to get through to my point of contact at the client company, update her on my status and voice my concerns. After 45 minutes, and getting a feel for how different I will be on T-day, she asked me to send her the email addresses of my contract company's HR to send the guidelines and templates that she has available.

After I sent an introductory email, I called my Hiring Manager for an update. She said they were waiting for an email from corporate HR on how to proceed, and then would have a conference with the HR staff, my supervisor and herself on what to do. Then they would let me know the plan.

At this point, I am amazed that I am not feeling any anxiety. In fact, I am feeling happy.

Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie